im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
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