I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
