FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
