My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
