If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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