The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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