Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
