thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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