the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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