She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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