Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
