Acid is not a monday night drug
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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