I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize