I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
splinters make it hard to masturbate
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
