My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
wat bout pragnant strippers??
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
