first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Randomize
