I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
