I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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