that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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