I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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