I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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