There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
