this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
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