Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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