Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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