Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize