Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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