...so i touched it.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
