Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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