I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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