doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
