My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
