If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
