I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
