shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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