Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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