I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
