I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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