your thong is hanging out like whoa
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
