Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
