Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize