I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
