Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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