I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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