New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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