I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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