I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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