Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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