yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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