no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
