Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize