Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
