he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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