so that wasnt chicken after all
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize