Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
